Grandmother

last night I got this text from my aunt Julie:

"Dad taking Mom to Kaiser. I am on my way there. Julie"

then another:

"They are going to admit her. BP is not going up. Once stabilized they can drain liver. Julie"

background:

she was diagnosed with cirrhosis of the liver (I'm not even sure how long ago, I just know I found out about it within the last few months). Her liver has been failing her, causing her body to store fluid (because the liver can't filter it out). She has been going in to see the doctor every couple of weeks to have her body aspirated, removing the fluid manually.

This past week she waited too long to call the doctor to come in and have the fluid drained, and was going to go in on Monday (which would have been THREE weeks since the last time) but she didn't make it that long.

back to last night:

My darling grandmother was taken to the ER.. her BP was low (52 over 20) and they needed to aspirate but couldn't until they normalized her BP. Unfortunately, that was difficult because of all of the fluid and pressure in her lungs.

by 8am this morning, they had been able to remove 2 liters of fluid, but there is still pressure I think, still issues definitely.

at noon, I received this text from my aunt:

"Please pray!! Mom failing kidneys shutting down. Going to put a vent in to help her breathe. Txs Julie

It's now 7pm..

My parents started driving from HR to SF at 2pm

My aunt and uncle (that I live with) started driving north at 4:30pm

My cousin Dom (in Portland) caught the first flight down and was at the hospital by 5pm

My uncle Jeff is driving from LA up to SF as I type this.

My brother and sister and I.. are waiting. We could go, but we could get there and she could normalize and then we could come back only to have the condition worsen in two days and have to go back for the funeral.. or she could not every make it off the ventilator.. they just don't know.

Dom called me from the hospital.. he put the phone up to my grandmother's ear and I told her that I loved her.. that I really loved her, and that I wished more than anything that I was there with her.

He told me then that they were giving her 1-5 days to live.

At this point.. I don't know what to do. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I'm so up to my ears with money issues and life issues (car/dmv/taxes/oral surgery/doctors appts) that I'm afraid to just leave. I'm afraid to see her in her current state, lying in a hospital bed unable to speak to us. I'm scared. I've been a wreck all day, sobbing and imagining scenarios and wondering if I should be there or if I should wait to just go to the funeral. It's so hard. I know she would want me to remember her as she was..

BUT THIS WASN'T SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN THIS FAST.

One month ago they gave her two years.. maybe more if she could get a liver transplant......

I am not ready to say goodbye to her yet. I'm not ready to let go.