Thursday, March 31, 2011
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Dear Grandmother
photo taken at Jamie's highschool graduation, June 2006
I don't know what to say. This is all so surreal.. It wasn't you in there today. It wasn't you lying in that bed. It wasn't you.
You can't be gone. You can't just disappear and leave us the way you did. There were still so many things we were supposed to do together. So many nights to fall asleep on the couch during old movie marathons or episodes of Castle. Too many afternoons we should still have ahead of us to stop and drink a chocolate coke at Johnny Rockets. Too many SHOES Grandma! Too many shoes yet to buy (and share!).
We were supposed to go to Paris, don't you remember? We were supposed to go and buy ridiculous scarves and delicious pastries and sit in a small streetside cafe and watch the world go by.
I'm so glad I came to see you. I'm so glad I was here on your last day.
I just wish we could have laughed together. I wish you could have made fun of me or sighed at me.. rolled your eyes at me :)
Who will I call now? Who else knows what to say to calm my nerves, to remind me that life is a constant adventure and every day is a beautiful opportunity to discover more of it. Who will encourage me in those difficult moments the way only a fellow worrier can?
You taught me so many things, Gram. So many things that I want to remember..
You taught me to LOVE and to embrace people. You taught me to accept what is but never to settle for mediocrity. You taught me that it's important to apologize, important to forgive and important to always communicate. You taught me how to throw a party and how to rock an apron. You taught me how to be strong when I'm scared, how to be classy, and how to present myself with confidence and grace. You taught me that I deserve to be valued, to be respected, and to be allowed the freedom to be creative and vulnerable, from others yes, but mostly from myself. You taught me that quality time with the people you love is vital, and worth traveling thousands of miles for.
You were always there.. always available to us. I never doubted your love for me, or for anyone else in our family.. Your love ran so deep.
You still have these reminders on your desk.. and I knew I was always with you. You always kept every one of us close to you no matter where we were.
The one in the middle says "There is yet enough time for you to take a different path!"
:)
I love you Grama. I always have. I always will.
I admire you, and I will miss you more than I can even fathom.
I'm still not ready to say goodbye... still not sure how I'm supposed to accept this world without you in it.
When I was finishing up my internship a couple years ago and planning to move back home, you gave me a farewell card..
I don't remember how it was worded, but the front of the card was full of well wishes.. wishing me luck and joy and all sorts of good things.. "I wish you this.. I wish you that.." but then the last line read "I wish you (open the card) ..weren't going!"
And that's how I feel too, Gram... I wish you weren't going.
I wish you didn't have to go.
transferred comments:
- Beautiful. So well written and from the heart. Beautiful, just like your grandma and you.
- Jen You are so talented, so beautiful and so lucky to have had such a wonderful friendship with someone you treasured so. I am so sorry for your loss, for your saddness and for your pain- but I envy you for your ability to share something so powerful with the world. Prayers. Love. Understanding. Julia
- frankie mcg said...
- i love you so much jen. this is amazing writing. i wish i could be there for you in the flesh, but know that i am here to talk to if you need. she will keep looking over you and no doubt she will be proud of what she sees. you are amazing jennifer. i'm sorry for your loss, but you know she is always, always with you and i'm sure she'll find a way to make sure you know it. i'll be thinking of you.
- Meg said...
- Jen, I am so sorry for your loss. Your words were beautiful and what a blessing that you were able to be there with her before she left. Love to your family. Meg
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
I'm not sure where to begin.
It is Tuesday, May 29th 2011.. and I'm not sure how much longer my grandmother will be alive.
I'm not sure if I will ever get to talk to her again, or watch old movies with her again.. or call her just to tell her about the most fabulous shoes that I just had to have...
I don't know if she is going to pull through this. Her liver is failing. Her kidneys are failing. Her heart is failing. Her blood pressure is low and she has been on a ventilator to help her breath for the past two days. She's not improving.
I can't even wrap my head around it.
I go back and forth.. between feeling like my knees are going to buckle underneath me to just walking around in a daze. Waiting for what? for an update.. for something positive? for everything to come crashing down? Waiting. Waiting. Waiting.
Should I be there?
Or shouldn't I be..
Do I want to see her this way?
Or do I want to remember her as the beautiful, vibrant woman that she was?
I was able to tell her that I loved her. And I know that she knows that.
I just don't know what I'm supposed to do.. what I need to do.
As of now... they're running one more test early tomorrow morning, and if there is no improvement, they're going to remove the life support machines, and it's likely that she will pass tomorrow.
I can't even believe I'm writing this.
I'm not ready for this.
None of us are ready for this.
But she is why I'm here. She is why I'm writing.
She loved my writing. She loved my art, my cards, my music, my books, my crazy..
She always wanted me to do it more. So, it's the only thing I know to do right now.
Write from the heart. Share my story. Be authentic. And stop waiting to start my life.
For her.
I'm not sure if I will ever get to talk to her again, or watch old movies with her again.. or call her just to tell her about the most fabulous shoes that I just had to have...
I don't know if she is going to pull through this. Her liver is failing. Her kidneys are failing. Her heart is failing. Her blood pressure is low and she has been on a ventilator to help her breath for the past two days. She's not improving.
I can't even wrap my head around it.
I go back and forth.. between feeling like my knees are going to buckle underneath me to just walking around in a daze. Waiting for what? for an update.. for something positive? for everything to come crashing down? Waiting. Waiting. Waiting.
Should I be there?
Or shouldn't I be..
Do I want to see her this way?
Or do I want to remember her as the beautiful, vibrant woman that she was?
I was able to tell her that I loved her. And I know that she knows that.
I just don't know what I'm supposed to do.. what I need to do.
As of now... they're running one more test early tomorrow morning, and if there is no improvement, they're going to remove the life support machines, and it's likely that she will pass tomorrow.
I can't even believe I'm writing this.
I'm not ready for this.
None of us are ready for this.
But she is why I'm here. She is why I'm writing.
She loved my writing. She loved my art, my cards, my music, my books, my crazy..
She always wanted me to do it more. So, it's the only thing I know to do right now.
Write from the heart. Share my story. Be authentic. And stop waiting to start my life.
For her.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Grandmother
last night I got this text from my aunt Julie:
"Dad taking Mom to Kaiser. I am on my way there. Julie"
then another:
"They are going to admit her. BP is not going up. Once stabilized they can drain liver. Julie"
background:
she was diagnosed with cirrhosis of the liver (I'm not even sure how long ago, I just know I found out about it within the last few months). Her liver has been failing her, causing her body to store fluid (because the liver can't filter it out). She has been going in to see the doctor every couple of weeks to have her body aspirated, removing the fluid manually.
This past week she waited too long to call the doctor to come in and have the fluid drained, and was going to go in on Monday (which would have been THREE weeks since the last time) but she didn't make it that long.
back to last night:
My darling grandmother was taken to the ER.. her BP was low (52 over 20) and they needed to aspirate but couldn't until they normalized her BP. Unfortunately, that was difficult because of all of the fluid and pressure in her lungs.
by 8am this morning, they had been able to remove 2 liters of fluid, but there is still pressure I think, still issues definitely.
at noon, I received this text from my aunt:
"Please pray!! Mom failing kidneys shutting down. Going to put a vent in to help her breathe. Txs Julie
It's now 7pm..
My parents started driving from HR to SF at 2pm
My aunt and uncle (that I live with) started driving north at 4:30pm
My cousin Dom (in Portland) caught the first flight down and was at the hospital by 5pm
My uncle Jeff is driving from LA up to SF as I type this.
My brother and sister and I.. are waiting. We could go, but we could get there and she could normalize and then we could come back only to have the condition worsen in two days and have to go back for the funeral.. or she could not every make it off the ventilator.. they just don't know.
Dom called me from the hospital.. he put the phone up to my grandmother's ear and I told her that I loved her.. that I really loved her, and that I wished more than anything that I was there with her.
He told me then that they were giving her 1-5 days to live.
At this point.. I don't know what to do. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I'm so up to my ears with money issues and life issues (car/dmv/taxes/oral surgery/doctors appts) that I'm afraid to just leave. I'm afraid to see her in her current state, lying in a hospital bed unable to speak to us. I'm scared. I've been a wreck all day, sobbing and imagining scenarios and wondering if I should be there or if I should wait to just go to the funeral. It's so hard. I know she would want me to remember her as she was..
BUT THIS WASN'T SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN THIS FAST.
One month ago they gave her two years.. maybe more if she could get a liver transplant......
I am not ready to say goodbye to her yet. I'm not ready to let go.
"Dad taking Mom to Kaiser. I am on my way there. Julie"
then another:
"They are going to admit her. BP is not going up. Once stabilized they can drain liver. Julie"
background:
she was diagnosed with cirrhosis of the liver (I'm not even sure how long ago, I just know I found out about it within the last few months). Her liver has been failing her, causing her body to store fluid (because the liver can't filter it out). She has been going in to see the doctor every couple of weeks to have her body aspirated, removing the fluid manually.
This past week she waited too long to call the doctor to come in and have the fluid drained, and was going to go in on Monday (which would have been THREE weeks since the last time) but she didn't make it that long.
back to last night:
My darling grandmother was taken to the ER.. her BP was low (52 over 20) and they needed to aspirate but couldn't until they normalized her BP. Unfortunately, that was difficult because of all of the fluid and pressure in her lungs.
by 8am this morning, they had been able to remove 2 liters of fluid, but there is still pressure I think, still issues definitely.
at noon, I received this text from my aunt:
"Please pray!! Mom failing kidneys shutting down. Going to put a vent in to help her breathe. Txs Julie
It's now 7pm..
My parents started driving from HR to SF at 2pm
My aunt and uncle (that I live with) started driving north at 4:30pm
My cousin Dom (in Portland) caught the first flight down and was at the hospital by 5pm
My uncle Jeff is driving from LA up to SF as I type this.
My brother and sister and I.. are waiting. We could go, but we could get there and she could normalize and then we could come back only to have the condition worsen in two days and have to go back for the funeral.. or she could not every make it off the ventilator.. they just don't know.
Dom called me from the hospital.. he put the phone up to my grandmother's ear and I told her that I loved her.. that I really loved her, and that I wished more than anything that I was there with her.
He told me then that they were giving her 1-5 days to live.
At this point.. I don't know what to do. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I'm so up to my ears with money issues and life issues (car/dmv/taxes/oral surgery/doctors appts) that I'm afraid to just leave. I'm afraid to see her in her current state, lying in a hospital bed unable to speak to us. I'm scared. I've been a wreck all day, sobbing and imagining scenarios and wondering if I should be there or if I should wait to just go to the funeral. It's so hard. I know she would want me to remember her as she was..
BUT THIS WASN'T SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN THIS FAST.
One month ago they gave her two years.. maybe more if she could get a liver transplant......
I am not ready to say goodbye to her yet. I'm not ready to let go.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
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