photo taken at Jamie's highschool graduation, June 2006
I don't know what to say. This is all so surreal.. It wasn't you in there today. It wasn't you lying in that bed. It wasn't you.
You can't be gone. You can't just disappear and leave us the way you did. There were still so many things we were supposed to do together. So many nights to fall asleep on the couch during old movie marathons or episodes of Castle. Too many afternoons we should still have ahead of us to stop and drink a chocolate coke at Johnny Rockets. Too many SHOES Grandma! Too many shoes yet to buy (and share!).
We were supposed to go to Paris, don't you remember? We were supposed to go and buy ridiculous scarves and delicious pastries and sit in a small streetside cafe and watch the world go by.
I'm so glad I came to see you. I'm so glad I was here on your last day.
I just wish we could have laughed together. I wish you could have made fun of me or sighed at me.. rolled your eyes at me :)
Who will I call now? Who else knows what to say to calm my nerves, to remind me that life is a constant adventure and every day is a beautiful opportunity to discover more of it. Who will encourage me in those difficult moments the way only a fellow worrier can?
You taught me so many things, Gram. So many things that I want to remember..
You taught me to LOVE and to embrace people. You taught me to accept what is but never to settle for mediocrity. You taught me that it's important to apologize, important to forgive and important to always communicate. You taught me how to throw a party and how to rock an apron. You taught me how to be strong when I'm scared, how to be classy, and how to present myself with confidence and grace. You taught me that I deserve to be valued, to be respected, and to be allowed the freedom to be creative and vulnerable, from others yes, but mostly from myself. You taught me that quality time with the people you love is vital, and worth traveling thousands of miles for.
You were always there.. always available to us. I never doubted your love for me, or for anyone else in our family.. Your love ran so deep.
You still have these reminders on your desk.. and I knew I was always with you. You always kept every one of us close to you no matter where we were.
The one in the middle says "There is yet enough time for you to take a different path!"
:)
I love you Grama. I always have. I always will.
I admire you, and I will miss you more than I can even fathom.
I'm still not ready to say goodbye... still not sure how I'm supposed to accept this world without you in it.
When I was finishing up my internship a couple years ago and planning to move back home, you gave me a farewell card..
I don't remember how it was worded, but the front of the card was full of well wishes.. wishing me luck and joy and all sorts of good things.. "I wish you this.. I wish you that.." but then the last line read "I wish you (open the card) ..weren't going!"
And that's how I feel too, Gram... I wish you weren't going.
I wish you didn't have to go.
transferred comments:
- Beautiful. So well written and from the heart. Beautiful, just like your grandma and you.
- Jen You are so talented, so beautiful and so lucky to have had such a wonderful friendship with someone you treasured so. I am so sorry for your loss, for your saddness and for your pain- but I envy you for your ability to share something so powerful with the world. Prayers. Love. Understanding. Julia
- frankie mcg said...
- i love you so much jen. this is amazing writing. i wish i could be there for you in the flesh, but know that i am here to talk to if you need. she will keep looking over you and no doubt she will be proud of what she sees. you are amazing jennifer. i'm sorry for your loss, but you know she is always, always with you and i'm sure she'll find a way to make sure you know it. i'll be thinking of you.
- Meg said...
- Jen, I am so sorry for your loss. Your words were beautiful and what a blessing that you were able to be there with her before she left. Love to your family. Meg
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