I'm not sure where to begin.

It is Tuesday, May 29th 2011.. and I'm not sure how much longer my grandmother will be alive.

I'm not sure if I will ever get to talk to her again, or watch old movies with her again.. or call her just to tell her about the most fabulous shoes that I just had to have...

I don't know if she is going to pull through this. Her liver is failing. Her kidneys are failing. Her heart is failing. Her blood pressure is low and she has been on a ventilator to help her breath for the past two days. She's not improving.


I can't even wrap my head around it.

I go back and forth.. between feeling like my knees are going to buckle underneath me to just walking around in a daze. Waiting for what? for an update.. for something positive? for everything to come crashing down? Waiting. Waiting. Waiting.

Should I be there?

Or shouldn't I be..

Do I want to see her this way?

Or do I want to remember her as the beautiful, vibrant woman that she was?

I was able to tell her that I loved her. And I know that she knows that.

I just don't know what I'm supposed to do.. what I need to do.

As of now... they're running one more test early tomorrow morning, and if there is no improvement, they're going to remove the life support machines, and it's likely that she will pass tomorrow.

I can't even believe I'm writing this.

I'm not ready for this.

None of us are ready for this.

But she is why I'm here. She is why I'm writing.

She loved my writing. She loved my art, my cards, my music, my books, my crazy..

She always wanted me to do it more. So, it's the only thing I know to do right now.

Write from the heart. Share my story. Be authentic. And stop waiting to start my life.

For her.