Today I'm Wearing...

My aunt brought home several pieces of jewelry that used to belong to my Grandmother..
I need to photograph it all but I'm waiting for MY NEW CAMERA! that will be here on Friday!
I can hardly contain my excitement. This blog is about to get photobombed.

For now, here is the necklace I'm wearing today:

And all of the colors I chose to compliment it with..

My Grandmother's Jewelry

While I was up in SF, I briefly looked through my Grandmother's jewelry with my mom to see if there was anything in there that I wanted to keep as a reminder of her.

Most of her rings and necklaces were a little loud for my taste (can you believe it?) but, I did stumble across two items that I was able to bring home with me.

First up is this ring. It's black hills gold (which I came to find out is only real black hills gold if it is made in the actual Black Hills of South Dakota). It's both a reminder of her and of my grandfather. He's the one from South Dakota after all..

Also, in the bottom of one of her drawers, I found this charm bracelet. It's just a small silver chain, with a heart on it. On one side of the heart it says her name "JO ANN" and on the other side, a date "5-5-62".

The greatest part about this bracelet? No one knows why that date is significant.. It's like a little mystery. Maybe it has no meaning whatsoever. But, I sort of love having a secret of hers to carry around with me...





*Also, I apologize for the quality of these photos. I don't want to talk about it.

 

My Grandmother's Burial

The main reason for our trip up to SF was to attend my Grandmother's burial service. We lost her about 3 months ago, suddenly and unexpectedly.

She was cremated and we all gathered together to lower her ashes into the ground, next to her father in the plots they'd purchased years ago.

My father and my uncle Keith both spoke at the burial. My grandfather shared a few words as well before we added notes, stories, and all dropped our roses into the grave.

My aunt brought balloons for all of the grandchildren to release at the end of the service. Of course they were patriotic.. just like my grandmother was.

In some ways, this finalizes things.. but in other ways it just brought us all back to the reality that she isn't here anymore. She wasn't there to share in the party on Monday.. she wasn't there to organize everything and keep everything moving. She wasn't there to laugh with, or poke fun at, or fall asleep on the couch with...

It's just different. And we all miss her very much.

My Grandmother's Funeral

I suppose I should have written about this last week but I couldn't bring myself to do it.

It's funny, going back to your life after something like that. I didn't live near my grandmother, so in some ways.. it sort of feels the same as before, until all of a sudden you're hit with the realization that "actually no.. it's not the same."

Yesterday, I was reminded of her all day long.

My Uncle posted something about her on the blog we created for her, written by Bart Gragg: "We Lost A Great Lady This Week." ..friends called to check in on me, to ask me how my family was. Thank you :) Thank you all for your support and for loving us. And I spoke with my Aunt and we shared with each other how we're processing things, differently, in our own ways. How it still feels surreal.. how it feels abnormal to be adjusting back into our daily routines.

At the funeral, there was a giant board with her photo in the middle.. and people were encouraged to write down one word that reminded them of her. I wrote "SHOES!" My 6 year old cousin, Judy, wrote "Butter!!!!!!" and the list went on and on and on.. Above are some of the words others wrote.. "Encourager" "A witty, wonderful woman" "Spontaneous!"

top right: My dad spoke at the funeral, as did several family members.. It really was a great time to be together and to tell stories about her, to laugh and cry and remember.

bottom right: I wore her shoes to the funeral. They were her favorite ones (or at least that's what she said to me..) It's a funny thing, to slip into someone else's shoes.. But, I always loved that we wore the same size, and she was always showing off her new purchases to me (and I did the same to her.) I know she would have wanted me to have them and enjoy them, so they live in my closet now :)

I don't know how to end this, other than to say that I miss her. I'm so grateful for the time I was able to spend with my family the past week, as crowded and chaotic as it was at times. I love you all and I know Grama would have been so proud of the party that we threw for her that day.

love love love.

Who Am I?

"I love to write. I want to be a great speaker some day. I have no illusions of having my picture on Time Magazine as speaker of the year, but I want to say things that will give encouragement to those that need encouraging. I want to give hope to those that need hope.

I want to leave others with a smile on their face and make them laugh – either at me or with me.

I want to share my love of family with those that have no family. I want to open minds to ideas and let others see how important friends are, how much I depend on my relationship with my God and how wonderful our world really is if we will just look for the Rainbow instead of the clouds."

That is an excerpt from one of my grandmother's speeches, called "Who Am I?

My dad read this portion of the speech at her funeral today, and my uncle posted the speech in it's entirety on the blog we set up to house poems, memories, stories and speeches about my grandmother or by her.

She was amazing, right?

<3

Do What Makes You Happy

This morning, I was looking through my tumblr dashboard and I came across this photo. What it says resonates with me today. I would probably "like" it any day, but.. today especially, I'm taking those words to heart.

We will all be leaving soon to head to the church to celebrate the life of my grandmother.

I don't know what to expect. I don't know how any of us are going to react.

It's no secret to us that she touched many many lives. And it will be no surprise to walk into a room full of people from far and wide who are all here for her. But, I don' t know what that is going to feel like.

So. We'll just go. We'll just love. We'll just be.

The last email she sent to me, she ended with this:

Have fun. Go Slow. Pray a lot. Find a good church. Enjoy - don't worry about what isn't or try to rearrange what is. Life will come along anyway so just roll.. Love, Gram

Okay. Okay Gram.. Let's roll :)

wall to wall

Dear Grandmother

photo taken at Jamie's highschool graduation, June 2006

I don't know what to say. This is all so surreal.. It wasn't you in there today. It wasn't you lying in that bed. It wasn't you.

You can't be gone. You can't just disappear and leave us the way you did. There were still so many things we were supposed to do together. So many nights to fall asleep on the couch during old movie marathons or episodes of Castle. Too many afternoons we should still have ahead of us to stop and drink a chocolate coke at Johnny Rockets. Too many SHOES Grandma! Too many shoes yet to buy (and share!).

We were supposed to go to Paris, don't you remember? We were supposed to go and buy ridiculous scarves and delicious pastries and sit in a small streetside cafe and watch the world go by.

I'm so glad I came to see you. I'm so glad I was here on your last day.

I just wish we could have laughed together. I wish you could have made fun of me or sighed at me.. rolled your eyes at me :)

Who will I call now? Who else knows what to say to calm my nerves, to remind me that life is a constant adventure and every day is a beautiful opportunity to discover more of it. Who will encourage me in those difficult moments the way only a fellow worrier can?

You taught me so many things, Gram. So many things that I want to remember..

You taught me to LOVE and to embrace people. You taught me to accept what is but never to settle for mediocrity. You taught me that it's important to apologize, important to forgive and important to always communicate. You taught me how to throw a party and how to rock an apron. You taught me how to be strong when I'm scared, how to be classy, and how to present myself with confidence and grace. You taught me that I deserve to be valued, to be respected, and to be allowed the freedom to be creative and vulnerable, from others yes, but mostly from myself. You taught me that quality time with the people you love is vital, and worth traveling thousands of miles for.

You were always there.. always available to us. I never doubted your love for me, or for anyone else in our family.. Your love ran so deep.

You still have these reminders on your desk.. and I knew I was always with you. You always kept every one of us close to you no matter where we were.

The one in the middle says "There is yet enough time for you to take a different path!"

:)

I love you Grama. I always have. I always will.

I admire you, and I will miss you more than I can even fathom.

I'm still not ready to say goodbye... still not sure how I'm supposed to accept this world without you in it.

When I was finishing up my internship a couple years ago and planning to move back home, you gave me a farewell card..

I don't remember how it was worded, but the front of the card was full of well wishes.. wishing me luck and joy and all sorts of good things.. "I wish you this.. I wish you that.." but then the last line read "I wish you (open the card) ..weren't going!"

And that's how I feel too, Gram... I wish you weren't going.

I wish you didn't have to go.

transferred comments:

Jessie said...

Beautiful. So well written and from the heart. Beautiful, just like your grandma and you.

March 30, 2011 11:24 PM  

 

Anonymous said...

Jen You are so talented, so beautiful and so lucky to have had such a wonderful friendship with someone you treasured so. I am so sorry for your loss, for your saddness and for your pain- but I envy you for your ability to share something so powerful with the world. Prayers. Love. Understanding. Julia

March 30, 2011 11:26 PM 

frankie mcg said...

i love you so much jen. this is amazing writing. i wish i could be there for you in the flesh, but know that i am here to talk to if you need. she will keep looking over you and no doubt she will be proud of what she sees. you are amazing jennifer. i'm sorry for your loss, but you know she is always, always with you and i'm sure she'll find a way to make sure you know it. i'll be thinking of you.

March 30, 2011 11:28 PM 

Meg said...

Jen, I am so sorry for your loss. Your words were beautiful and what a blessing that you were able to be there with her before she left. Love to your family. Meg

March 31, 2011 9:23 AM 

I'm not sure where to begin.

It is Tuesday, May 29th 2011.. and I'm not sure how much longer my grandmother will be alive.

I'm not sure if I will ever get to talk to her again, or watch old movies with her again.. or call her just to tell her about the most fabulous shoes that I just had to have...

I don't know if she is going to pull through this. Her liver is failing. Her kidneys are failing. Her heart is failing. Her blood pressure is low and she has been on a ventilator to help her breath for the past two days. She's not improving.


I can't even wrap my head around it.

I go back and forth.. between feeling like my knees are going to buckle underneath me to just walking around in a daze. Waiting for what? for an update.. for something positive? for everything to come crashing down? Waiting. Waiting. Waiting.

Should I be there?

Or shouldn't I be..

Do I want to see her this way?

Or do I want to remember her as the beautiful, vibrant woman that she was?

I was able to tell her that I loved her. And I know that she knows that.

I just don't know what I'm supposed to do.. what I need to do.

As of now... they're running one more test early tomorrow morning, and if there is no improvement, they're going to remove the life support machines, and it's likely that she will pass tomorrow.

I can't even believe I'm writing this.

I'm not ready for this.

None of us are ready for this.

But she is why I'm here. She is why I'm writing.

She loved my writing. She loved my art, my cards, my music, my books, my crazy..

She always wanted me to do it more. So, it's the only thing I know to do right now.

Write from the heart. Share my story. Be authentic. And stop waiting to start my life.

For her.

Grandmother

last night I got this text from my aunt Julie:

"Dad taking Mom to Kaiser. I am on my way there. Julie"

then another:

"They are going to admit her. BP is not going up. Once stabilized they can drain liver. Julie"

background:

she was diagnosed with cirrhosis of the liver (I'm not even sure how long ago, I just know I found out about it within the last few months). Her liver has been failing her, causing her body to store fluid (because the liver can't filter it out). She has been going in to see the doctor every couple of weeks to have her body aspirated, removing the fluid manually.

This past week she waited too long to call the doctor to come in and have the fluid drained, and was going to go in on Monday (which would have been THREE weeks since the last time) but she didn't make it that long.

back to last night:

My darling grandmother was taken to the ER.. her BP was low (52 over 20) and they needed to aspirate but couldn't until they normalized her BP. Unfortunately, that was difficult because of all of the fluid and pressure in her lungs.

by 8am this morning, they had been able to remove 2 liters of fluid, but there is still pressure I think, still issues definitely.

at noon, I received this text from my aunt:

"Please pray!! Mom failing kidneys shutting down. Going to put a vent in to help her breathe. Txs Julie

It's now 7pm..

My parents started driving from HR to SF at 2pm

My aunt and uncle (that I live with) started driving north at 4:30pm

My cousin Dom (in Portland) caught the first flight down and was at the hospital by 5pm

My uncle Jeff is driving from LA up to SF as I type this.

My brother and sister and I.. are waiting. We could go, but we could get there and she could normalize and then we could come back only to have the condition worsen in two days and have to go back for the funeral.. or she could not every make it off the ventilator.. they just don't know.

Dom called me from the hospital.. he put the phone up to my grandmother's ear and I told her that I loved her.. that I really loved her, and that I wished more than anything that I was there with her.

He told me then that they were giving her 1-5 days to live.

At this point.. I don't know what to do. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I'm so up to my ears with money issues and life issues (car/dmv/taxes/oral surgery/doctors appts) that I'm afraid to just leave. I'm afraid to see her in her current state, lying in a hospital bed unable to speak to us. I'm scared. I've been a wreck all day, sobbing and imagining scenarios and wondering if I should be there or if I should wait to just go to the funeral. It's so hard. I know she would want me to remember her as she was..

BUT THIS WASN'T SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN THIS FAST.

One month ago they gave her two years.. maybe more if she could get a liver transplant......

I am not ready to say goodbye to her yet. I'm not ready to let go.

Who is Your Google?

My grandmother writes a monthly newsletter for the Sunday School class she and my grandfather are a part of. She told me she was writing this months based on something I said about my dad: 'You are my google."

My mom forwarded the article to me this morning:

WHO'S YOUR GOOGLE?

A few weeks ago I fell victim to the “Facebook”craze, thanks to my granddaughter. I now have friends around the world – some I have met and some I haven’t. Since I am still trying to remember how to get into that site, I can’t say I am growing by leaps and bounds into that techie part of the world, but it is challenging.

One of the things they request is that you list 25 things about you that maybe everyone doesn’t know or that you just want to share. My granddaughter honored me and her mother by listing us as 2 of her favorite people. Her mother I could understand but I felt very surprised that I was there also. I know we are alike in many ways. We both love shoes; she is very smart – I am OK; we both love shoes; she is very disciplined – I am fly by the seat of your pants; but we both love shoes; she is very talented in music, art and following directions – I on the other hand am not; but did I mention that we both love shoes?

Because anyone and everyone can read these entries, I wasn’t surprised when I saw her dad’s response – such as “What About Me?” Her answer was priceless. “But Dad, you are my Google!!”

And he is and always has been. He has always been a hands-on dad, but kept 2 steps back. He seems to know something about everything and has directed his kids to learn and follow their heart, but that education is very important. Not just school education. Education about life. Everything from training the dog (which drives me nuts), to golf (he beat Gus and Pastor Fred at the Convey of Hope tournament), to religion, to music, to checking the car, to always trying to be the best you can but don’t let someone else’s goals be your driving force.

Some of you may remember a few years ago when she came to class with me. She was here for a vacation with my other grandson and had gone to Shasta Lake on a houseboat. She was supposed to go back home to Oregon but on their way back, the car she was riding in skidded, whipped across the 4 lanes of the highway, rolled 5 or 6 times down an embankment and stopped upside down. Cars immediately stopped, helped them out and sent them all to the hospital. By the time she got to my house she was very upset. Not because she was hurt or because of the accident, but because she felt her dad was mad at her. When I talked to my daughter, she could understand Jennifer’s concern because Terry had sounded very abrupt – not because he was mad at anything she had done, but reality had set in regarding how fast your whole life could be turned upside down and he hurt for his daughter.

I have thought of this “Google” status and realized that we all need a Google in our lives. Someone we can count on. Someone who uses wisdom when needed. Someone who can think very clearly and not judge. Someone who wants us to succeed as much as we want. Do you have a Google?

I also think we need a couple of other people. We all need a ‘Red Skelton’. Someone who will make us laugh and sincerely say at the end of our conversation, just as he always said at the end of his show, “And May God Bless.”

We could also use a ‘Mother Theresa”. Someone who sees what needs to be done and goes about doing it. No questions. No judgments. Just get the job done.

Who are you to others? Who are your friends to you? Every friend fills a need we have and hopefully we do the same for them. Think about who you are – and set out to be better.

See you in class. Have a great week.

Harold and Jo Ann Juhala
(I really do like shoes!!